One Alien Hamburger 

The U.S. Government has been covering up non-human-intelligence for decades. Meanwhile, aliens have been abducting cows.

Why, indeed, do these celestial visitors fancy bovines? Does their palate favor the terrestrial delicacy known as cheeseburgers? Surely, it seems an act of folly for otherworldly beings to ensnare these creatures. If these beings desire bovines, why does not America engage in its famed enterprise and trade in cows?

Consider the curious nature of these interstellar travelers. They traverse the vast cosmos, capable of navigating eons of spatial realms, and yet, of all cosmic enigmas, they alight upon Earth for cows? By Zeus, it appears the survival of an alien race hinges upon these Earthly beasts!

How serendipitous for these beings, to have discerned the bovine amidst the myriad wonders of the universe. They arrive in their celestial vessels, bending the very fabric of existence, and amidst the vast reaches of the galaxy, it is the humble cow that heralds their salvation. It is not the invention of warp drives, but rather these pastoral creatures that secure their future.

Imagine the annals of alien history proclaiming, "Our kind was on the brink of extinction, yet fortune led us to a planet named Earth where, without rigorous scientific examination of its flora and fauna, we stumbled upon the cow. With a swift decision, we chose it, and thus our civilization was preserved."

What of other alien species? Perhaps a cephalopod-like entity exists among them. Does it too require cows? How many extraterrestrial kinds depend upon our bovines? Presumably, these aliens possess advanced terraforming technologies, capable of creating idyllic worlds solely populated by cows.

Reflect upon the fortuitous nature of their discovery. "Indeed, while humans possess nuclear capabilities, these cows intrigue us more." 

And what of governmental conspiracies? They are privy to these abductions; why not engage ranchers in interstellar commerce? The aliens opt instead for grand displays of levitation, spurring human envy.

Consider this: Aliens capable of interdimensional travel find their panacea in cows. How fortunate is humanity, already stewarding countless bovines? Perhaps we hold greater sway over these celestial visitors than we presumed. Is this why America's strategic defenses are inland, to shield our bovines?

Moreover, what economic losses has America suffered due to undisclosed extraterrestrial interactions? Should not entities like McDonald's demand recompense, envisioning heightened profits from cosmic trade? Surely, we should extend our cultural exports beyond Earth, acquainting aliens with our customs.

And what of alien cuisine? Do they employ chefs who craft exquisite dishes, which we might enhance with salt and cheese in our American fashion?

Imagine the communication to their central governance upon discovering cows: "Indeed, sir, these creatures, adorned with bells, shall resolve our plight." And before this revelation, "Sir, we believe this planet harbors cows. Though it is home to intelligent life, we shall overlook them for our objective."

And the alien leadership, the president who sanctioned such an expedition—unlikely to regain favor.

And yes, while this discourse may seem farcical, it serves as a paradigm for broader contemplations.